When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
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Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
#Caturday
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Mountain Goat : )
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!