When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
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I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.