@Elizasoul80

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

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@Mom_Overboard

Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!

Date: What’s happening right n-

Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

@SuperApple80

*walks my fingers along your leg closer and closer to your plate of cheese fries*

@clarkekant

Soft on Wall Street. Hard on Sesame Street. Romney 2012.

@Carbosly

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

@AmishPornStar1

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

@PaperWash

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

@Home_Halfway

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

@UncleDuke1969

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”

@Knorg

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”