Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
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*walks my fingers along your leg closer and closer to your plate of cheese fries*
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Soft on Wall Street. Hard on Sesame Street. Romney 2012.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”