When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

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My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.


WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?


*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”


Ignorance is only bliss until you wish you knew the answer


me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go


Lots of hockey tweets, sadly I’m from Alabama where a bunch of white guys chasing something black with sticks has a whole different meaning.


Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS


Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.


[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit