@onelongbender

When people tell me I’m intimidating, I generally just glare at them until they take it back.

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@QwertyJones3

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

@Mr_Kapowski

*guy looks around to see if anyone is looking*

*sees the coast is clear, licks tree*

And that’s how they found out about maple syrup

@seamussaid

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

@crmotwo

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

@minkpinkustink

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

@Book_Krazy

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

@WilliamRodgers

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.