Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
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I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.