Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
When people tell me I’m intimidating, I generally just glare at them until they take it back.
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*guy looks around to see if anyone is looking*
*sees the coast is clear, licks tree*
And that’s how they found out about maple syrup
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
My heart hurts when you’re not around
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*