When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

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ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly


[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows


“We should definitely let dolphins go into space instead of monkeys” said one scientist obviously not a dolphin dressed up as a scientist


Dealer: You followed?

Geologist: No man. Its cool.

*dealer opens trenchcoat and metamorphic rocks fall out

Geologist: Gneiss… Gneiss


Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.


Coworker: Are those Chinos?

Me: No. These are my pants.


Me: Who steals pants?


Me: I tried talking dirty once

Her: did it end badly?

Son: *walks in* hey dad

Me: *nods head in his direction*


You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.


The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?


Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared