When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
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establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
☺️
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.