When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
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[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.