When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
You Might Also Like
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Self-cleaning conscience
the three branches of government
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.