When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
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ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
When news reporters do sports stories
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Best spot.. 😅
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
“HELP WITH CAT”
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.