When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.