@curlycomedy

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

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@groovyspecs

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

@TeaAndCopy

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

@Book_Krazy

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

@robfee

House Hunters:
We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.

@Angibangie

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

@The_Grant_Boldt

*at Starbucks*

“Ya I’ll have the medium roast please”

*Barista insults him a lot but not too much*

@AimeeHelene1

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

@KivanBay

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops