Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
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ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
“Ya I’ll have the medium roast please”
*Barista insults him a lot but not too much*
Still my favorite headline of all time:
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops