When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
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When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.