When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
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Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
…..pretty much.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I’ve had worse