If you haven’t used your fingers to “expand” a picture in a Magazine today, well then you’re not me.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
You Might Also Like
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Me: So I went to lunch.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
*gets mascara on earlobe*
*never tries make-up sex again*
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
(with Cheeto stained lips)
Me: That’s my signature.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist
Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything