when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
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Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
your elf on the shelf was delicious
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol