when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
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This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap