@nerdreign

When runner-ups in reality shows say, “I may not have won but I’m still a winner,” do they understand how language and/or competition works?

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@okimstillhungry

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

@NamestartswithZ

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

@1Happytwit

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

@Freudianscript

Killing someone with kindness is one way to prove you expect nothing in return for your kindness.

@humanaaron

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

@ArfMeasures

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

@WheelTod

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.