Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
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*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it