When runner-ups in reality shows say, “I may not have won but I’m still a winner,” do they understand how language and/or competition works?

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Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”


HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?


My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.


Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.


Killing someone with kindness is one way to prove you expect nothing in return for your kindness.


[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(


Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim


People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.