conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
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Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
ready to be harvested
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Google Pay be like:
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
#winning
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building