@joeldanger

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

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@CroweJam

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

@Kraz60

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

@HeyHosey

Two animated gifs walked into a bar.
Two animated gifs walked into a bar.
Two animated gifs walked into a bar.
Two animated gifs w[ESC]

@LizHackett

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

@mommajessiec

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

@squirrel74wkgn

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

@LoveNLunchmeat

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

@sullivem

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

@Lcars24

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

@sugabelly

I think parents are incredibly selfish and rude for having additional children without first consulting their existing child. 😒