When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
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Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
She was REALLY feeling it.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.