When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
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1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff