When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
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Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL