@shanethevein

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

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@Kryzazy

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone

@SaveItForFest

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

@AngryRaccoon2

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

@Shen_the_Bird

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

@yonewt

This town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse.

@panmidwest

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

@novicefather

[grocery store with 2yo]

Cashier: your son is so cute. What do you want to have next?

Me: a vasectomy

@HellisWorthit

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

@KalvinMacleod

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

@ServiceTech_

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.