When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
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I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm