“Hey Iron Man, how’d you get your powers?”
*flashes back to tony stark being bitten by a radioactive ironing board*
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Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
The closest I’ve been to murder is holding my choco-chip cookie under the milk until the bubbles stop…
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I am pleased to report that the spider I felt on my neck that caused me to nearly drop the baby was, in fact, my shirt tag.