@DanKCharnley

when she says she wants a “well-balanced man”

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@six_2_and_even

It’s not easy but it is possible to dance to Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas

@kimtopher22

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

@LindaInDisguise

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

@mofrorock

Things you can’t touch:

1. Happines
2. The Easter Bunny
3. Your wife’s sister
4. This

@tuckerflodman

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

@jackiembouvier

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

@KenJennings

PERSONALITY TEST: When you read an obit where someone passes away “surrounded by family,” do you picture murder, or suicide?

@bobbiejo448

I love how all the characters in kids shows are always SO thrilled while at work. Like Bob never gets pissed over a missing screwdriver.

@andlikelaura

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

@ClichedOut

ME: can I start digging?

SOCIETY: no wtf that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology