when she says she wants a “well-balanced man”

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“Hey Iron Man, how’d you get your powers?”
*flashes back to tony stark being bitten by a radioactive ironing board*


Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?


The closest I’ve been to murder is holding my choco-chip cookie under the milk until the bubbles stop…


My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?


Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.


My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.


I am pleased to report that the spider I felt on my neck that caused me to nearly drop the baby was, in fact, my shirt tag.