It’s not easy but it is possible to dance to Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas
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To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Things you can’t touch:
2. The Easter Bunny
3. Your wife’s sister
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
PERSONALITY TEST: When you read an obit where someone passes away “surrounded by family,” do you picture murder, or suicide?
I love how all the characters in kids shows are always SO thrilled while at work. Like Bob never gets pissed over a missing screwdriver.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
ME: can I start digging?
SOCIETY: no wtf that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology