@noogscorner

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

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@Donna_McCoy

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

@HansGrubertron

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

@tastefactory

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

@evilistheheart

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

@Diversion50

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The Chosen Phew

@Kendragarden

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

@daemonic3

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

@TySmithdrums

“I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE,” I scream, as a sudden gust of wind blows the spider I threw outside onto my face.

@supertweetjen

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

@BonaFideIntent

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.