@noogscorner

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

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@JohnLyonTweets

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

@joeheenan

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

@Marlebean

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

@firebrand3

I was informed last week that “cheat day” does not mean what I thought it did.

In related news: Baby, sit down. I have to tell you somethin

@ruinedpicnic

“anyone for turkey burgers?”
turkey: well sure haha
“oh, it’s not a burger for turkeys”
turkey: what is it then
“uhh”
turkey: say it

@Dustinkcouch

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

@sixthformpoet

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

@kumailn

“I’ll be a dentist. Then they’ll love me.”
“We’re terrified of dentists.”
“I’ll kill a lion!”
“It was a beloved lion with a name.”
“Dammit.”

@truegritrumble

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting