When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
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“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Love this guy
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Something Saturday.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work