When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
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I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
don’t be scared
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.