When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
new wife guy just dropped
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor