me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Most women love it when you play with their hair in public
Their husbands not so much
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.