When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Boating season is upon us.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?