@meganamram

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

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@fro_vo

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

@FudgeRobot

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

@Dustinkcouch

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

@mydmac

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Most women love it when you play with their hair in public

Their husbands not so much

@mrjohndarby

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

@briangaar

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

@thatdutchperson

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

@CruisinSoozan

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.