This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
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to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
who did the taste test?
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.