When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
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I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME