Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
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I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes