@kimwilliamz

When somebody I blocked gets RT’d into my timeline it’s like they’re violating their restraining order.

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@AbbyHasIssues

An old guy at the gym told me I looked like his late wife. I’m hoping he meant while she was alive.

@blade_funner

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

@Ms_WhateverV

“You can’t tell me what to do! I do what I want!”- toddlers, teenagers and US congress

@AbbyHasIssues

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

@PaperWash

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

@Lance_Said_This

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

@Social_Mime

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

@vanderwangwe

Her: Are you even listening to me or are you just tweeting?
Me: Yes sweetie, I hate her too.

@TheToddWilliams

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit