When somebody I blocked gets RT’d into my timeline it’s like they’re violating their restraining order.

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An old guy at the gym told me I looked like his late wife. I’m hoping he meant while she was alive.


I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.


“You can’t tell me what to do! I do what I want!”- toddlers, teenagers and US congress


I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.


“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*


Narrator: The power of Febreeze


The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.


Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.


Her: Are you even listening to me or are you just tweeting?
Me: Yes sweetie, I hate her too.


BOSS: I have some tough news


BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit