@iAmDelFreaky

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

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@someniceflowers

“my son, can I ask why you’re carrying two HUGE crucifixes?”
Well father, I’ve been…
Double-crossed
*God starts breakdancing*

@envydatropic

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

@KentWGraham

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

@KalvinMacleod

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

@HomeProbably

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

@truegritrumble

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

@ItsAllBollocks

Guy: *slides into my DMs* hi
Me: *opens back door so he slides straight back out* bye

@meganamram

I know I’m being such a grammar Nazi, but it’s “Jew-rats make me NAUSEATED,” not “Jew-rats make me NAUSEOUS”