@iAmDelFreaky

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

- @iAmDelFreaky

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@Mike_Bianchi

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

@evidentlyblonde

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

@MrsMikePatton

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he become a werewolf permanently?

@good_one_rick

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

@chuuew

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SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

@theedgeofchris

Dora the Explorer has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they’ve ever had.

@PaperWash

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

@daemonic3

She sells sea shells on the:
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C) Shore
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@SteveSuckington

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?