When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
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Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Ape together strong
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.