When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

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It’s like nobody at this restaurant appreciates my dramatic reading of the menu.


My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.


woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best


me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register


The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh


I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.


*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]


While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.


I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.