@curlymalloy

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

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@Rollinintheseat

It’s like nobody at this restaurant appreciates my dramatic reading of the menu.

@Fab_Mommy_

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

@girlnarly

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

@ClichedOut

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

@HiddenPinky

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

@AnOrangeSNES

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

@TheAlexP

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

@OhNoSheTwitnt

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

@Swishergirl24

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.