When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
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Hamburger Hinderer.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.