[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Parents, then: Would it kill you to pick up the phone?
Parents, now: Would it kill you to put down the phone?
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
“are you a programmer?”
not really. me is more of an amateur grammar
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.