@HomeProbably

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

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@Ygrene

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

@PinkCamoTO

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

@TheAlexNevil

Parents, then: Would it kill you to pick up the phone?

Parents, now: Would it kill you to put down the phone?

@Dana_MuChick

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

@briancthayer

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

@AndLookPretty

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

@FredTaming

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

@est1975blog

I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.