When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

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[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally


Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.


Parents, then: Would it kill you to pick up the phone?

Parents, now: Would it kill you to put down the phone?


True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.


*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-


These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.


little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths


I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.