When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
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[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
A ghost story
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that