When someone asks if I have any hobbies
You Might Also Like
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.