When someone asks if I have any hobbies
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Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.