If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
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This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*