When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
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twitter is a journey
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
WTF
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.