When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
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7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
when there are deer in the woods
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent