When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
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[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
When someone trying to leave me
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….