Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
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if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?