Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@OctopusCaveman

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

@_sleepysmile

He thought I wore a size two.

A size two?!

I started laughing so hard, I spit out the donut I was eating.

@Ghetto_Trophy

Imagine if people still used typewriters!

We’d have to sit in a giant circle and throw pieces of paper at each other.

@DrakeGatsby

? THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

@thenatewolf

God: why don’t we text anymore?

Me: you know why

God: I can’t just give everyone a Sega whenever they ask. That’s not how it works

Me: k

@skittle624

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

@LuvPug

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

@Darlainky

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.

@nalex470

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

@Mom_Overboard

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish