Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
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He thought I wore a size two.
A size two?!
I started laughing so hard, I spit out the donut I was eating.
Imagine if people still used typewriters!
We’d have to sit in a giant circle and throw pieces of paper at each other.
? THE CORONAVIRUS
-Alone time – Might die
-Can horde toilet
God: why don’t we text anymore?
Me: you know why
God: I can’t just give everyone a Sega whenever they ask. That’s not how it works
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish