@TheDreamGhoul

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

You Might Also Like

@_mcgoof

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

@smint

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

@Awesome_Todd

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

@dafloydsta

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

@Laser_Cat

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

@heyjaadu

I use proper syntax and punctuation on all of my tweets, unless I am in danger of exceeding the 140 character limit…

& then u no how it b

@capnwatsisname

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

@hell_homer

that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare

@iamjohnsarris

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.