When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

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Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”


Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?


I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.


[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*


I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.


I use proper syntax and punctuation on all of my tweets, unless I am in danger of exceeding the 140 character limit…

& then u no how it b


SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?


that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare


My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.