When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

You Might Also Like


He thought I wore a size two.

A size two?!

I started laughing so hard, I spit out the donut I was eating.


Imagine if people still used typewriters!

We’d have to sit in a giant circle and throw pieces of paper at each other.



-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die


God: why don’t we text anymore?

Me: you know why

God: I can’t just give everyone a Sega whenever they ask. That’s not how it works

Me: k


I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.


One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him


Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.


I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.


I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish