When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
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What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.