When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.