When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*