When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
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Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
meow
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.