When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
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[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
adding to the discourse
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.