When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
You Might Also Like
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.