when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
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ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.