@bobby: when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don't answer. what's going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
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@UncleDuke1969: People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they're super good at it. Either way.
@kashmir_lover1: According to my gym trainer, I need to cut back on drinking According to my bartender, I look great Moral of the story: I'm drunk
@Brianhopecomedy: Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife's friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
@topaz_kell: Life is not like a box of chocolates. It's more like not being allowed to leave the table until you finish your brussels sprouts.