When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
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Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]