When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
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Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
somewhere, in an alternate universe
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Peace was never an option
I already tried new things thanks.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like