When buying baked goods I always ask myself, “are you prepared to eat this in the parking lot?”
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
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FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
coming soon to a timeline near you
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I’d jump in front of a gently tossed beach ball for you.