@Jake_Vig

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

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@MarcyLane

When buying baked goods I always ask myself, “are you prepared to eat this in the parking lot?”

@bobvulfov

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

@Sorrowscopes

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

@CAshmanActor

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

@junejuly12

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

@SteussieErica

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

@Dank_Pal

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

@MrSpoonicorn

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911